Kiss the ground...

At the begining I wanted him to be my Undertaker.

I wanted to be taken to the bad places in my memory-soul and to be allowed to be 'me'. I wanted to go to the places where I'd had to keep my mouth shut and to pretend...

It is as if some part of me is locked in amber. I wanted to go back because the places were real, the damage it did to me was real, and I needed him to release me from the silence by letting me struggle and fight back and by it being now.

But it wont work, can't work. There are two reasons for that. First, he is at the mercy of his own 'triggers' and secondly, he doesn't understand what I'm talking about when I say that I want him to take me back to the cracks in my soul...

And I'm stupid enough, or hopeful, or submissive enough to ignore all the warning lights and let things crash.


I don't use the safe word because I hope beyond reason that he will understand..

Wiki defines psychological abuse as:

a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance.

In 1996, Health Canada defined emotional abuse as:

emotional abuse is motivated by urges for "power and discontrol". Emotional abuse includes rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness".

But I wanted to go back and deal with the pain and anger and I wanted to be there with someone who loved me and was sane so that when the memory replayed it wouldn't be the original version, it would be the new, safe version.

The location does not fade.

But he didn't plan it, it was never a 'scene'...I step on the cracks by accident and the fog comes down. I start to disconnect from everything (I shut down and close all doors, I stop listening).

Then he asks me what is wrong...but I think that he should know by now.

But he wants to know because 'he wants to understand what he has done wrong'. I hear his words from a thousand miles away, and I hear it as a selfish, ignorant, childish failure...he could have thought about it, asked himself what I needed.

In the beginning it wasn't about him.
He was not the one who had done the damage in the first place...

By taking me to the edge of that place and by not dealing with it the edges of the borders made of memory start to bleed into each other...and it is starting to feel as if he was my ignorant, selfish, abuser then and now.

Well, no more.

There is a lot of energy in those psychic cracks, but to go there with someone who is resolutely a nice man, is a very bad idea. It is time to start using the safe word, probably for the slightest hint of discomfort.