Next..the disconnect.

The *disconnect* .
I guess it is something that happens to everyone some time.

So, how did it happen to me?


The timer is set to twenty minuets.
"I want you to be compliant", he says.


You would be correct to say that that the disconnect just means that I don't like what he is doing. Not liking is prime, but there is more to it than me just being 'mardy' and difficult, or not getting what I want. Also I can't help thinking that the disconnect may be the flip side of subspace, as if the disconnect was a desert. A long and unpleasant walk that ends in the blissful void.


This is, after all, what people usually mean by submission- that submission has to be forced somehow. I agree that submission is on the other-side of something I don't like, but only if I get through the disconnect. I'm not sure how to do that...because the disconnect is my withdrawal, there is nothing good about it.

It is when I disconnect from a situation. I consciously try to switch all feeling off.

I'm angry.

I can't see anything good in what he is doing.

When he put the pegs on my nipples it didn't hurt, I was too angry to feel pain.

I just felt ugly and numb.

I resented the burning sensation that was trying to be 'me', I refused to acknowledge it. I tried to shrink it into oblivion. It was hard to do, so I loathed the situation even more and wondered how much of 'vanilla' is like this?

So why didn't it send me to subspace; the rope, having to keep still?
Was it because I'd agreed to enter this space bordered by the start and end of the timer?

Or was it something else?


Well it's a scene!
I don't know of any other or better 'safe' way to explore this stuff. My agreement to a beginning and end was the reason why I didn't collapse into absolute misery at the end.


So, something else, not the format of *scene* caused the disconnect.

I think that when someone is tied- bondage- the shadows the rope casts are more important than what comes next or the actual feeling of restraint. The shadows cast by the rope are the implications; the meaning of what is happening and the possibilities. When he ties me we are stepping into a fantasy- for he knows me, he knows that he doesn't need to tie me! I'm happy to open my legs for him and that I don't need to be chastised or forced or made to do anything.

Rope, used on me- from my point of view is illogical and almost insulting unless he honors the rope -the activity of tying.

When he asks for my compliance he is asking for more than a refusal to struggle, he is telling me not to feel....of course he wouldn't know that, nor can he know until he identifies with that part of him.

He asks for compliance because it annoys him to tie a struggling person.
Also I feel trapped by my belief that he wants me to like what he is doing.

I can't like it because it makes no sense.
I'm not submissive until made to be!

I can like it and have in the past because I can put D/s into a sacred sex 'framework'.

When he ties me, unless I actively chose to slip out of D/s and back into 'sacred sex' I am dealing with someone and something that I don't actually like, to act otherwise is lying. Compliance is a lie. When he asks for compliance I hear him asking me to be someone who loves him and wants to be tied.

But that's not me...

Paradoxically I have to enter the scene because rope can send me into this disconnect or subspace. I need to understand the disconnect. I want to be in subspace.

Compliance though, via rope represents every time anyone has ever forced me or emotionally blackmailed me, restrained me, treated me like a thing and disregarded my feelings. By turning the rope into compliance, it becomes every time I've had to comply 'for the greater good' in some way or other.

When he ties me and asks me to comply he becomes my abuser. I couldn't admit that to myself before. I was too angry.

Which is how it should be...because I said that I wanted to deal with triggers. Triggers will make me angry and show me things I didn't know were there.

The only thing is, the process of disconnection is pretty horrible. I don't even try to protect myself- as I can't feel, I can't care. Nor does he understand what's going on (hence the need for the twenty minuets) borders and boundaries...

Subspace isn't exactly the opposite, just different. Instead of disallowing feeling, I identify with feeling; it is like becoming water, or smoke- formless- everything is more. It seems to center, for me anyway, on my relationship with coercion, on how I process it, on how I deal with physical and emotional pain, on how I protect or abandon myself.

Subspace is selfless acceptance- the coils of Tiamat- prima materia.

And then there is the requirement to trust *my abuser* and to respect him, which leads into the domain of sacred sex and out of D/s for me anyway...