I don't have time to go into this now, but I'd life to leave a breadcrumb to remind me of why and where and how I'm headed as always into more murky waters.

For three years I followed the rules of my Master; the rules were his, but also of the system we lived within. I purposefully chose to make myself his consort, I wanted to be a support for his practice, but the rules were never mine.

I saw the need for them, don't get me wrong. Like driving on the left side of the road, like filling in your tax form, one abides by the laws of the country. My mistake was in believing that there could ever be a way out of them for both of us.

If he could have called me his whore there would have been honesty; instead he used the word love. I loved him, I was always trying to reach the human person behind the monk in the same way that I was trying to find a way out of the rules, but whore I was until I could bear it no longer.

So now I bow down to Great Mother Kali and ask Her to grant me the blessing to see through the layers of myth and story and into the heart of the Vajrayana -my last and best school- As everyone knows, the Vajrayana is a Tantric 'school', its inner concepts are reflected in language known as twilight/ obscure/ symbolic. But if I step through the mirror, for I have the key, then what I see is coherent with my experiences...

Why do I go on my knees to Kali?

Because in Tibetan Buddhism Kali becomes Mahakala (the protector of my lineage) but in the human psyche, Kali is the Great Mother, Tiamat, the Mother of us all, She gives birth - she consumes, She is time.

To change Her sex is odd, is unnecessary, is a warning I may have read it even then. But I did not let myself understand the message. In it's outermost level the sex change indicates Zoroastrian (Orphic) influences, the inner meaning is that female power must be subsumed.

Buddhism is not very friendly towards women, only the Vajrayana schools seem to reverse this. The language of the Vajrayana is so honorific in its description of women, I don't blame myself for being fooled. The fact that I saw myself as whore rather than consort meant that I was aware...just unable to believe.

TBC...